Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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