A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
