Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
