hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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