Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
