Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
