i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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