dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
