Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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