I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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