He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
