he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
