she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
