i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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