all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
