Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
