my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
