Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize