I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
