If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
