We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
