That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
