can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
