i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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