i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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