he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
