Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
