I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
