i jhust puked up my retainher.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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