Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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