the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
