So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
