I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
