I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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