I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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