walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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