Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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