I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
