yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
