I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
