when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
