i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
