found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
