i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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