ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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