I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You left your phone here
Wait...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
