I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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