holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
this hospital has no fireball
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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