the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
