I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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