o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
