There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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